Handy-Dandy Money-Saving Ideas for NYC

 Good news for all Real New Yorkers.  The sharp minds at the MTA, in their infinite wisdom and relentless pursuit of efficiency and superior service, have determined that your tax dollars can go farther if they reduce subway service during those times when ridership is less-than-peak.  Like last week, for example, when many people were not working.  Ok, sure the city was overrun by tourists and the platforms were about to burst with bodies.  But still.  What a great idea!

See the link to the story in The New York Times: http://www.nytimes.com/2012/01/02/nyregion/mta-reduces-subway-service-on-a-few-minor-holidays.html?ref=nyregion 

I think the MTA is onto something here.  Reduce service to better match actual user demand.  By extension, we can easily adapt this out-of-the-box strategy to a number of other services.  Saving money and extending the value of tax dollars, that’s what it is all about, right?

Allow me, now, to advance several bold new directions for city planners — in the spirit of innovation and enhanced efficiency that are nothing if not the hallmarks of the Bloomberg administration:

  • Police: with so many New Yorkers headed to their Hamptons and Columbia County summer retreats from May to September on Thursdays and Fridays, why not simply reduce patrols on those days?  Hey, what could go wrong, n’est-ce pas, Muffy?
  • Fire: The less affluent have fewer possessions so why not cut services in the Bronx, Queens and Staten Island?  Run the numbers and see if the rise in lawsuits will outweigh the cost savings.  Hey, that’s what the car companies do, and look how good they’re doing, right?  Leave northern Brooklyn alone.  Those brownstone nabes are darling.
  • Education: Reduce public school hours during the warmer months of spring and fall.  Kids pay less attention when it’s nice out, anyway, so why beat a dead horse? 
  • Sanitation: Cut pick-ups when the temperatures drop to 35 degrees.  The rats are in hibernation and the cold will keep garbage fresh as a daisy and limit the stench. 
  • Roads and highways: increase bike lanes to 50 percent of available road space.  So what if they’re empty even now?  This scheme will further increase congestion and induce implementation of congestion pricing, a money-maker if ever there was one.
  • Libraries: close them all.  Who needs books?  Doesn’t everyone have a smart phone or Kindle by now?
  • Hospitals: Let nurses and PA’s run the whole show — get rid of those pesky, high-priced on-staff physicians.  All they do is order money-wasting, life-saving tests and perform fancy-shmancy operations. Everyone knows nurses really do most of the work.  Next, eliminate the chairs in ER waiting rooms.  This will limit the number of people who use local ER’s as their primary care facility.  If they can’t sit, they won’t come.  Overcrowding problem solved; that was easy.
  • Parks: Charge a nominal admission to all city parks.  Say, $10 for adults and $6.50 for children under 12.  Charge seniors $15 — they use the benches most, so this is only fair. 

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This is just a start.  But, as you can see, with a little clever thinking and strategic analysis, city services can be modified to better meet the needs of key constituents and extend the value of precious financial resources. 

Any questions, contact Mayor Michael Bloomberg 1.441.555.1212.  If Diana answers, give her our best.

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About Martin Kleinman

Martin Kleinman is a New York City-based writer and blogger. His new collection of short fiction, "A Shoebox Full of Money", is available now at your favorite online bookseller, as is his first -- "Home Front". Visit http://www.martykleinman.com for details.

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